"...at other times I feel I have no talent, and everything I put down on paper is imperfect and ultimately pointless..." <-- absolutely not true; keep writing, Grant.
Not sure if you've read the books/watched the movie yet, but the "Area X" trilogy by Jeff Vandermeer is a more (meta-)modern take on the same "Ship of Theseus" paradox of identity you're indirectly discussing in this piece. The book series is getting a fourth entry next month, so if you've never read it before, now's as good a time as any--you've not missed the boat, so to speak ;)
(Just to add--here's an extended quote from the film adaptation of the first novel, "Annihilation," that drives right to the heart of your great essay here:)
> Lena : Why did my husband volunteer for a suicide mission?
> Dr Ventress : Is that what you think we're doing? Committing suicide?
> Lena : You must have profiled him. You must have assessed him. He must have said something.
> Dr Ventress : So you're asking me as a psychologist?
> Lena : Yeah.
> Dr Ventress : Then, as a psychologist, I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction. Almost none of us commit suicide, and almost all of us self-destruct. In some way, in some part of our lives. We drink, or we smoke, we destabilize the good job... and a happy marriage. But these aren't decisions, they're... they're impulses. In fact, you're probably better equipped to explain this than I am.
> Lena : What does that mean?
> Dr Ventress : You're a biologist. Isn't the self-destruction coded into us? Programmed into each cell?
Thanks again for sharing. It's really nice to read something truly personal on the 'stack every once in a while :)
Actually, I love Annihilation, both the movie and the book! But I’ve only read the first entry in the series. And I never thought about it as an exploration of identity. I’m definitely going to reread the first and take this as an opportunity to read the other novels in the trilogy. And I’d love to discuss them with you when I’m done.
Yes you have within you what it takes to be you, in all the many forms there are. We have seen you step out in courage each and every time and believe that aspect of you will never change. Your courage has been an inspiration for me as I take chances in my own life to draw out what are possibly my different personas. Great essay!
Thanks for your encouragement! It looks easy or certain in hindsight, but we always forget how difficult it is in the moment.
I was just reading the story of Odysseus, and one moment he is begging the gods to send him home, even though he knows it will be difficult. The next moment, once the storms hit, he says he wished he died long ago, the storms are so violent, and he doesn’t want to continue.
I just read a long-lost collection of letters from a brilliant woman who over the several-year span of those letters wrestled with exactly the questions of identity you discuss in this essay. I know how it turned out, and she chose one of the options that was on her menu as a young woman. But the key, as it relates to your essay, is that it didn't actually resolve any of her uncertainties, doubts, and deep, unanswerable questions about the meaning of her life. Because she chose to become a doctor she has had a high income and a comfortable lifestyle, but the same questions that perplexed her at 19 - 21 have continued to swirl around her for the rest of her life, contextualized within the responsibilities and resources of a doctor, but still fundamentally elusive and unresolvable.
But life has happened, and without ever coming to cognitive certitude she has, on a moment by moment basis, piled up a list of accomplishments and achievements (patients helped, children born and raised, riding prizes won) that combine into a clear narrative, without ever resolving the conflicting tendencies and drives and values that troubled and perplexed her as a young woman.
Most of your readers will probably be able to relate to your own rolling dilemma, because we're all experiencing our own versions of your dilemma within our private selves. Heraclitus wrote "A man's character is his fate", and literature tells us that character is expressed in action.
So we carve out a path in the world, perhaps without ever understanding ourselves, but the answer to who we are may come down to a notion as simple as, "We are the person who carved this unique path through the world and walked it."
"...at other times I feel I have no talent, and everything I put down on paper is imperfect and ultimately pointless..." <-- absolutely not true; keep writing, Grant.
Not sure if you've read the books/watched the movie yet, but the "Area X" trilogy by Jeff Vandermeer is a more (meta-)modern take on the same "Ship of Theseus" paradox of identity you're indirectly discussing in this piece. The book series is getting a fourth entry next month, so if you've never read it before, now's as good a time as any--you've not missed the boat, so to speak ;)
(Just to add--here's an extended quote from the film adaptation of the first novel, "Annihilation," that drives right to the heart of your great essay here:)
> Lena : Why did my husband volunteer for a suicide mission?
> Dr Ventress : Is that what you think we're doing? Committing suicide?
> Lena : You must have profiled him. You must have assessed him. He must have said something.
> Dr Ventress : So you're asking me as a psychologist?
> Lena : Yeah.
> Dr Ventress : Then, as a psychologist, I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction. Almost none of us commit suicide, and almost all of us self-destruct. In some way, in some part of our lives. We drink, or we smoke, we destabilize the good job... and a happy marriage. But these aren't decisions, they're... they're impulses. In fact, you're probably better equipped to explain this than I am.
> Lena : What does that mean?
> Dr Ventress : You're a biologist. Isn't the self-destruction coded into us? Programmed into each cell?
Thanks again for sharing. It's really nice to read something truly personal on the 'stack every once in a while :)
Thank you so much for your comments and support
Actually, I love Annihilation, both the movie and the book! But I’ve only read the first entry in the series. And I never thought about it as an exploration of identity. I’m definitely going to reread the first and take this as an opportunity to read the other novels in the trilogy. And I’d love to discuss them with you when I’m done.
Yes you have within you what it takes to be you, in all the many forms there are. We have seen you step out in courage each and every time and believe that aspect of you will never change. Your courage has been an inspiration for me as I take chances in my own life to draw out what are possibly my different personas. Great essay!
Thanks for your encouragement! It looks easy or certain in hindsight, but we always forget how difficult it is in the moment.
I was just reading the story of Odysseus, and one moment he is begging the gods to send him home, even though he knows it will be difficult. The next moment, once the storms hit, he says he wished he died long ago, the storms are so violent, and he doesn’t want to continue.
I just read a long-lost collection of letters from a brilliant woman who over the several-year span of those letters wrestled with exactly the questions of identity you discuss in this essay. I know how it turned out, and she chose one of the options that was on her menu as a young woman. But the key, as it relates to your essay, is that it didn't actually resolve any of her uncertainties, doubts, and deep, unanswerable questions about the meaning of her life. Because she chose to become a doctor she has had a high income and a comfortable lifestyle, but the same questions that perplexed her at 19 - 21 have continued to swirl around her for the rest of her life, contextualized within the responsibilities and resources of a doctor, but still fundamentally elusive and unresolvable.
But life has happened, and without ever coming to cognitive certitude she has, on a moment by moment basis, piled up a list of accomplishments and achievements (patients helped, children born and raised, riding prizes won) that combine into a clear narrative, without ever resolving the conflicting tendencies and drives and values that troubled and perplexed her as a young woman.
Most of your readers will probably be able to relate to your own rolling dilemma, because we're all experiencing our own versions of your dilemma within our private selves. Heraclitus wrote "A man's character is his fate", and literature tells us that character is expressed in action.
So we carve out a path in the world, perhaps without ever understanding ourselves, but the answer to who we are may come down to a notion as simple as, "We are the person who carved this unique path through the world and walked it."