I've had this waiting in my inbox for a while and I think I ended up reading it at the perfect time. My current game project is very related to this. Thank you for sharing this story!
i very much enjoyed this and the whole thread of it thrums like a taut and untuned banjo string like the tension I feel at 55 and not thinking i have any purpose in life other than making the dinner and sometimes making my partner's life a bit easier
Thank you. I think we all feel that way at different times. Especially when we compare our life with the unrealistic expectation that we are somehow special and going to change the world. On the one hand this isn’t true, but on the other hand, it is. I really think little things like helping other people and enjoying every moment of our lives are what actually changes the world
I mourn that David Foster Wallace is not around to guide us through the void that is the modern corporation, which is our current cultural reference point for morality. I am just now realizing as an adult just how much I look to brands to tell me how to feel - namely, clothing/jewelry/makeup brands, even influencers (which in themselves are "brands") etc., promising me a better and more desirable version of myself. It feeds a surface-level view of myself that keeps me sucked in to the void of consumerism.
Capitalism leads the individual to believe they have autonomy - or, at least, that one can achieve ultimate autonomy through wealth and capital (not just financial capital, but social (aka nepotism)) - in my case, I could achieve a better version of myself - and perhaps better opportunities - with the "right" kind of consumption. In this protagonist's case - he has devoted years of his life to these false ideals - I daresay, false idols. The paradigm of this is Mr. Squishy. And it is telling to me that the man in this story ends up identifying with and attempting to find a connection with the empty symbol of Mr. Squishy. It is itself a futile attempt, set up by the vacuous corporate environment.
It's an extremely bleak view, and I think our society is getting just sort of better at work-life balance. It makes sense that we'd feel futile in the grip of capitalism's claws. But I think the right kind of self-awareness - not the kind that falls into the trap of self-hate which is the exact fodder for capitalism - but an open, nuanced, and meaningful connection to ourselves, others, and the Earth - is the subtle rebellion against it.
Although I also mourn DFW, I wonder if he would be as good of a guide as, say, a doomsday prophet. I think what I like about his writing is his ability to paint in dramatic fashion the scene of a tragedy, forcing us to pay attention. But he often doesn't provide a solution. He is more like the x-ray that tells you you have a tumor, rather than medicine that provides the elusive cure.
I agree with what you say. Capitalism does have some empty promises, but there are some cheerful ones too. We do have more autonomy, and we are getting better at work/life balance. Quality of life is definitely better when you buy into the system, but it can also easily become a trap.
But there are other "brands" and reference points for morality-- artists. Writers, actors(!), directors, painters, philosophers. And I am trying to connect to those as well, more than any corporate brand.
I think you identified the solution-- open, nuanced, meaningful connections. Thanks for making one here!
Curios Grant, what would be your measure for assessing whether or not your life was futile or had elements of futility? Must be such a subjective thing. I revel in hammocking and spend hours of my life this way but another may see this as the most futile of actions and a frivolous waste of time.
Great question! I am not exactly sure, which is why I wrestle with the topic. But I think it should have elements of helping other people and also enjoying experiences for yourself. Too much of one or the other leads to a miserable martyr or a selfish hedonist. But the right balance is the ideal life, in my opinion.
I’ve lately been spending about one hour a day listening to music, drinking coffee, looking at trees, and feeling grateful. It’s the most unproductive thing I do but also the best part of my life.
That's really beautiful Grant, I feel a similar kind of way about my little daily practices. . And I'm with you - definitely see that tension between service and self.
You certainly caught on early to the reality of life in the corporate world!
Remember that many men who were later appreciated for their achievements and talent died considering themselves to be failures.
I can also say from the perspective of 64 that many of the accomplishments we know we have achieved, and for which we are admired / respected / envied feel meaningless except for the agon (Greek word for difficult contest) required to achieve them, and how that agon transformed us. If we cheated or cut corners than the accomplishment itself feels totally worthless. Even for legitimate successes, hedonic numbing and an honest insight into the randomness and capriciousness of fate prevents a wise person from taking too much credit for how things worked out.
For example, on the surface your work in the ambulance is ipso facto meaningful. You’re helping people, right, and saving lives? I’m guessing here, but assuming you’re in contact with the most troubled and / or unfortunate representatives of average America, you’re treating people with massive lifestyle-related self-induced health problems: obesity, diabetes, heart disease, substance abuse, or accidents and injuries produced by domestic violence, substance abuse or stupidity. You can patch them up or dump them in the ER but you won’t alter their self-destructive behaviors or fix their miserable lives.
So what’s the answer?
First, relationships are the only real aspect of life. Your relationships are the true substance and meaning of your life and the most consequential arena in which to express your character.
Second, hold yourself to the highest personal standards that resonate with your character and outlook on life. Be strong, fast, enduring, bold, discerning, civilized and desired by women and admired by men. Express your heroic character by loving life but being willing to lay it down without regret at a moment’s notice for a truly noble purpose.
Finally, embrace the advice at the conclusion of Ecclesiastes: choose to live in a place you like, the way you like, eat healthy food that tastes good, drink wine you enjoy, embrace your wife and enjoy your family, and be grateful for the profound goodness and pleasure at the foundation of creation, beginning with the subtle recurring pleasure of breathing.
Oh—and stop reading depressing stories and books! As you know, stories are models of the world. Read non-fiction adventure books, Sherlock Holmes and Tarzan, the Iliad and the Odyssey and the adventures of David in the first book of Samuel. Choose books the way you’d choose comrades for a war band about to launch a raid into enemy territory.
Thanks, Chris. I agree with your sentiments about the agon. You’re speaking my language haha, because I love Ancient Greek.
Also agree with your recommendations, and those are things I have also identified and have been pursuing. I have found that practicing a daily gratefulness for all those things has also been incredibly helpful.
I hope my essay didn’t come off as too depressing! I meant it to be an acknowledgment of a fear without giving into it, with my response intended to be a rising rejection of nihilism and pessimism and the acceptance of the responsibility of living.
I am rereading the Odyssey right now, oddly enough. “The man of sorrows” did not live an easy life, but it was all the more tale-worthy.
I love inspiring stories, but I also strongly resonate with the darker and more raw ones, which help paint life as a chiaroscuro— more beautiful because of the contrast, rather than all flowers and rainbows. And the theme of The Apocalypse is a bit darker, if the color palette and iconography try to indicate.
As always, I appreciate your feedback and encouragement
Have you ever read “Storm of Steel” by Ernst Jünger? It’s very dark and raw and also inspiring. “Poly-tropos” Odysseus is my favorite Greek hero and aspiration. Remember, he’s also frequently called “sacker of cities” and he’s an excellent comrade in a bitter fight.
I've had this waiting in my inbox for a while and I think I ended up reading it at the perfect time. My current game project is very related to this. Thank you for sharing this story!
Cool! Have you written much about it? I don’t remember reading that
I’ve just started talking about this project, but I haven’t gotten to the part of it that is related to this yet. :- )
i very much enjoyed this and the whole thread of it thrums like a taut and untuned banjo string like the tension I feel at 55 and not thinking i have any purpose in life other than making the dinner and sometimes making my partner's life a bit easier
Thank you. I think we all feel that way at different times. Especially when we compare our life with the unrealistic expectation that we are somehow special and going to change the world. On the one hand this isn’t true, but on the other hand, it is. I really think little things like helping other people and enjoying every moment of our lives are what actually changes the world
its not that I'm unhappy just feel I have no meaningful purpose in life these days. Am enjoying writing however
I mourn that David Foster Wallace is not around to guide us through the void that is the modern corporation, which is our current cultural reference point for morality. I am just now realizing as an adult just how much I look to brands to tell me how to feel - namely, clothing/jewelry/makeup brands, even influencers (which in themselves are "brands") etc., promising me a better and more desirable version of myself. It feeds a surface-level view of myself that keeps me sucked in to the void of consumerism.
Capitalism leads the individual to believe they have autonomy - or, at least, that one can achieve ultimate autonomy through wealth and capital (not just financial capital, but social (aka nepotism)) - in my case, I could achieve a better version of myself - and perhaps better opportunities - with the "right" kind of consumption. In this protagonist's case - he has devoted years of his life to these false ideals - I daresay, false idols. The paradigm of this is Mr. Squishy. And it is telling to me that the man in this story ends up identifying with and attempting to find a connection with the empty symbol of Mr. Squishy. It is itself a futile attempt, set up by the vacuous corporate environment.
It's an extremely bleak view, and I think our society is getting just sort of better at work-life balance. It makes sense that we'd feel futile in the grip of capitalism's claws. But I think the right kind of self-awareness - not the kind that falls into the trap of self-hate which is the exact fodder for capitalism - but an open, nuanced, and meaningful connection to ourselves, others, and the Earth - is the subtle rebellion against it.
Thank you so much for this comment.
Although I also mourn DFW, I wonder if he would be as good of a guide as, say, a doomsday prophet. I think what I like about his writing is his ability to paint in dramatic fashion the scene of a tragedy, forcing us to pay attention. But he often doesn't provide a solution. He is more like the x-ray that tells you you have a tumor, rather than medicine that provides the elusive cure.
I agree with what you say. Capitalism does have some empty promises, but there are some cheerful ones too. We do have more autonomy, and we are getting better at work/life balance. Quality of life is definitely better when you buy into the system, but it can also easily become a trap.
But there are other "brands" and reference points for morality-- artists. Writers, actors(!), directors, painters, philosophers. And I am trying to connect to those as well, more than any corporate brand.
I think you identified the solution-- open, nuanced, meaningful connections. Thanks for making one here!
Curios Grant, what would be your measure for assessing whether or not your life was futile or had elements of futility? Must be such a subjective thing. I revel in hammocking and spend hours of my life this way but another may see this as the most futile of actions and a frivolous waste of time.
Great question! I am not exactly sure, which is why I wrestle with the topic. But I think it should have elements of helping other people and also enjoying experiences for yourself. Too much of one or the other leads to a miserable martyr or a selfish hedonist. But the right balance is the ideal life, in my opinion.
I’ve lately been spending about one hour a day listening to music, drinking coffee, looking at trees, and feeling grateful. It’s the most unproductive thing I do but also the best part of my life.
That's really beautiful Grant, I feel a similar kind of way about my little daily practices. . And I'm with you - definitely see that tension between service and self.
GMFU!!
Couldn’t have said it better myself
You certainly caught on early to the reality of life in the corporate world!
Remember that many men who were later appreciated for their achievements and talent died considering themselves to be failures.
I can also say from the perspective of 64 that many of the accomplishments we know we have achieved, and for which we are admired / respected / envied feel meaningless except for the agon (Greek word for difficult contest) required to achieve them, and how that agon transformed us. If we cheated or cut corners than the accomplishment itself feels totally worthless. Even for legitimate successes, hedonic numbing and an honest insight into the randomness and capriciousness of fate prevents a wise person from taking too much credit for how things worked out.
For example, on the surface your work in the ambulance is ipso facto meaningful. You’re helping people, right, and saving lives? I’m guessing here, but assuming you’re in contact with the most troubled and / or unfortunate representatives of average America, you’re treating people with massive lifestyle-related self-induced health problems: obesity, diabetes, heart disease, substance abuse, or accidents and injuries produced by domestic violence, substance abuse or stupidity. You can patch them up or dump them in the ER but you won’t alter their self-destructive behaviors or fix their miserable lives.
So what’s the answer?
First, relationships are the only real aspect of life. Your relationships are the true substance and meaning of your life and the most consequential arena in which to express your character.
Second, hold yourself to the highest personal standards that resonate with your character and outlook on life. Be strong, fast, enduring, bold, discerning, civilized and desired by women and admired by men. Express your heroic character by loving life but being willing to lay it down without regret at a moment’s notice for a truly noble purpose.
Finally, embrace the advice at the conclusion of Ecclesiastes: choose to live in a place you like, the way you like, eat healthy food that tastes good, drink wine you enjoy, embrace your wife and enjoy your family, and be grateful for the profound goodness and pleasure at the foundation of creation, beginning with the subtle recurring pleasure of breathing.
Oh—and stop reading depressing stories and books! As you know, stories are models of the world. Read non-fiction adventure books, Sherlock Holmes and Tarzan, the Iliad and the Odyssey and the adventures of David in the first book of Samuel. Choose books the way you’d choose comrades for a war band about to launch a raid into enemy territory.
Thanks, Chris. I agree with your sentiments about the agon. You’re speaking my language haha, because I love Ancient Greek.
Also agree with your recommendations, and those are things I have also identified and have been pursuing. I have found that practicing a daily gratefulness for all those things has also been incredibly helpful.
I hope my essay didn’t come off as too depressing! I meant it to be an acknowledgment of a fear without giving into it, with my response intended to be a rising rejection of nihilism and pessimism and the acceptance of the responsibility of living.
I am rereading the Odyssey right now, oddly enough. “The man of sorrows” did not live an easy life, but it was all the more tale-worthy.
I love inspiring stories, but I also strongly resonate with the darker and more raw ones, which help paint life as a chiaroscuro— more beautiful because of the contrast, rather than all flowers and rainbows. And the theme of The Apocalypse is a bit darker, if the color palette and iconography try to indicate.
As always, I appreciate your feedback and encouragement
Have you ever read “Storm of Steel” by Ernst Jünger? It’s very dark and raw and also inspiring. “Poly-tropos” Odysseus is my favorite Greek hero and aspiration. Remember, he’s also frequently called “sacker of cities” and he’s an excellent comrade in a bitter fight.